The way I hide away, to remove myself, from myself, from my other self, the one that overthinks, to remain in motion, without hindrance or hesitation, because she doesn’t want to think of how disorganized, an absolute wreck, she is trying to keep it all together.
She exhausts herself; gives too much to others until burnout. She keeps up with self-care, responsibilities, other duties but she knows it’s just a matter of time until it all blows.
She breathes to steady the
heartbeat; in, out, in, out.
Another thing she tries
to control but she knows
it’s only a matter of time
until it too takes
it’s last toll.
You give to others to be the love they need You give to others to be the one when no one else is there To be their cheerleader, to be their rock When no one else had cheered for you When you thought the more you give, the more you get To see the smile and warmth in their faces When you thought it would give everlasting joy It is but a fleeting moment after hours of attempts to muscle through It is the high at the top of the roller coaster before the car drops And it’s the sinking slowly back into the sand Covered up to your eyes, just enough so you can’t be seen But you see that there’s no one giving back to you
You’re the gun
and the bullets
inches away delivering the deepest wounds.
I am wounded, fallen,
and hollowed out by you
Lying with my insides shredded
you believe it was all necessary to keep you sane
I beg you to save me,
if only you could see how deep these wounds run
if only you could prevent them from happening
if only you could truly see me for me
if only you were moved to the same depths by the same things
if only you channeled the same pains and could sit in the dark with me
if only you didn’t see things differently
if only we were emotionally in tune
then I wouldn’t feel shameful for the way I am
then I wouldn’t have to change how my brain works,
how it turns every difference into a negativity instead of opportunity
I beg for sameness, likeness, because that’s home
and I want to go home
fall sleep under the covers
and never wake up
The heart stops,
and fear attacks
tearing and scraping the insides.
Stepping back, it’s not the right time.
It’s too delicate; my hands are tied.
I stall. I ruminate. I do all the things not to destroy this.
I dread that I will, gravely… to the point of not moving.
This is what it’s like when people become a ghost.
It’s too much to go forward.
So, I turn
in the opposite direction.
It’s a walking numbness, a dull pain that sometimes presents itself in waves. It slowly builds, and one day, every few weeks it explodes. I can’t bring myself out of bed. The rolling tears subside for a moment only to build again and again. The world outside, and the family inside, doesn’t exist, only what’s happening right here. Only this pillow, only this blanket, only the thoughts of love so far away, always out of reach.
‘You should call someone, snap out of it.’
But you don’t.
They say to dig deep to find the root of the pain. Where does it hurt? When did it start? Is it constant? Does it hurt when you hold your body in such a position? Does it hurt when you turn your insides out? Do you cover your pain with a smile and ‘I’m fine’? Does it ceaselessly carry weight under your eyelids? Does it pull on you with every chance, every second of the day? Does it numb you from climbing out of bed? Do you answer ‘yes’ to every survey question regarding depression? If ‘yes’, please proceed to your nearest healthcare provider immediately.
Isn’t it all just a sham, a system to pop more pills, to pour money into pharmaceutical companies to keep you addicted to a drug that causes side effects, and more pills to alleviate such effects? All the more pain to bear, more hurting to just barely keep you together.
So I resist, and insist ‘I’m fine’. It’s only a bad day, it will pass. Until the next set of waves crash.