Sudden Attack

The heart stops,
stomach drops,
and fear attacks
tearing and scraping the insides.
Stepping back, it’s not the right time.
It’s too delicate; my hands are tied.

I stall. I ruminate. I do all the things not to destroy this.
I dread that I will, gravely… to the point of not moving.
This is what it’s like when people become a ghost.
It’s too much to go forward.
So, I turn
in the opposite direction.

Where does it hurt?

*trigger warning: depression*

It’s a walking numbness, a dull pain
that sometimes presents itself in waves.
It slowly builds, and one day, every few weeks it explodes.
I can’t bring myself out of bed.
The rolling tears subside for a moment only to build again and again.
The world outside, and the family inside, doesn’t exist, only what’s happening right here.
Only this pillow, only this blanket, only the thoughts of love so far away, always out of reach.

‘You should call someone, snap out of it.’

But you don’t.

They say to dig deep to find the root of the pain.
Where does it hurt?
When did it start?
Is it constant?
Does it hurt when you hold your body in such a position?
Does it hurt when you turn your insides out?
Do you cover your pain with a smile and ‘I’m fine’?
Does it ceaselessly carry weight under your eyelids?
Does it pull on you with every chance, every second of the day?
Does it numb you from climbing out of bed?
Do you answer ‘yes’ to every survey question regarding depression?
If ‘yes’, please proceed to your nearest healthcare provider immediately.

Isn’t it all just a sham, a system to pop more pills, to pour money into pharmaceutical companies
to keep you addicted to a drug that causes side effects, and more pills to alleviate such effects?
All the more pain to bear,
more hurting to just barely keep you together.

So I resist, and insist ‘I’m fine’.
It’s only a bad day, it will pass.
Until the next set of waves crash.