You’re the gun
and the bullets
inches away delivering the deepest wounds.
I am wounded, fallen,
and hollowed out by you
Lying with my insides shredded
you believe it was all necessary to keep you sane
I beg you to save me,
if only you could see how deep these wounds run
if only you could prevent them from happening
if only you could truly see me for me
if only you were moved to the same depths by the same things
if only you channeled the same pains and could sit in the dark with me
if only you didn’t see things differently
if only we were emotionally in tune
then I wouldn’t feel shameful for the way I am
then I wouldn’t have to change how my brain works,
how it turns every difference into a negativity instead of opportunity
I beg for sameness, likeness, because that’s home
and I want to go home
fall sleep under the covers
and never wake up
I wake to the sound of him
pinging my phone.
It’s too early for
bright-eyed longing stares
to the love of my life
as my eyes burn from
the phone’s bright light.
With eyes barely opened,
I reach over to tell him
“Good morning, my love.”
He sends his love in return
and I feel his love beating
through my chest from across the pond.
How his smile awakens every
nerve in my body, how it eases
every ache that arises as my body
shifts. If I lie here long enough
to soak in his beaming smile it’ll
surely eradicate the piercing forming
through every extremity.
Tender love is our medicine,
taken in various doses throughout
the day to coast along a high plateau.
And in this moment, our morning routine
of enchanting greetings and air kisses,
it’s exactly what we need.
Underneath. Down here where it’s calm. Where the black beauty of the abyss touches my feet. All is quiet. All is still. I’m entombed as if in a coffin. Locked forever in my own space Controlling the promise of my ever after. And then you came. Pelting my world. Hurtling across like a comet in my stretching blue sky. You bring the change, flowing through like a weather system. Flourishing my eyes open like a new season. Calling sub-oceanic flowers to bloom within me. Aquatic forest pines that reach up to touch the surface. To reach and touch your face. My hands branch to catch the light you dazzle. A sudden rush you instill within me like heroin bubbles in my blood. Coming up too soon, bending my compression that has kept my heart safe. Heading for the bends. I’m a fish not born to fly with you. High where the birds and angels soar. Hidden in these depths for reasons. For sins that keep me drowned. Now it rains under water, puddling the pool of the sea that parts us. And I drift in the stream of sorrow. Knowing that the rain on the surface, is really your tears.